The Bit They Cut Out (Bad News for Joe)

SHOT OF NEWS DESK IN TV STUDIO

CHESTER: And now we cross to our reporter, the not-so-famous writer, Griffy Treehouse, who’s on the ground there in Brisbane, holding a stupid-looking microphone and nodding a lot. Where exactly are you, Griff?

CUT TO STREET

GRIFFY: I’m in The Gap, Chester.

CUT TO STUDIO

CHESTER: What’s that, Griff? You must be breaking up. I thought you said you were in a gap.

CUT TO STREET

GRIFFY: The Gap, Chester. It’s a suburb in Brisbane.

CUT TO STUDIO

CHESTER: Okay, Griff. But we don’t like gaps here on the news. We need you to keep talking. And nodding. What are you doing there in that gap, Griff? Breaking an amazing story for us, right?

CUT TO STREET

GRIFF: Well, yes and no, Chester. I’ve just started writing a book and I want it to work. I don’t want to break it.

CUT TO STUDIO

CHESTER: Ha ha, Griff, not very funny. Not very newsworthy either. Clowns like you write books every day. People don’t read them. They can’t read them. Words just don’t make sense anymore. [PEERS AT SCREEN] Who’s that you’ve got with you, Griff?

CUT TO STREET

GRIFF: It’s Joe Rathbone, Chester. Joe’s an ordinary kid living in an ordinary suburb. [TURNS TO KID] Isn’t that right, Joe?

COREY: No, it isn’t right, Griffy Treehouse, or whatever you call yourself. And you are breaking it. This book, if that’s what you call it, is wrecked already.

GRIFF: Okay Joe, not so loud. You’re not an ordinary kid living in an ordinary suburb – is that what you’re saying?

COREY: No, I’m not saying that, even though I’m absolutely NOT an ordinary kid. What I’m not saying most is that I’m Joe.

GRIFF: So, you are Joe, Joe?

COREY: I’m NOT Joe OR Jo-Jo. I’m Corey.

GRIFF: Okay Joe. I think we’re all a bit confused right now. It’s a very unstable situation here on the ground. They told me you were Joe.

COREY: Who told you that?

GRIFF: Um, your dad.

COREY: Ha, my so-called dad. He still can’t tell us apart. We’re twins, Gimpy Townhouse, identical twins that aren’t identical at all. I’m Corey and I am not an ordinary kid. Make sure you underline that last bit. Joe’s the ordinary one. Very ordinary. Me, I’m Cordelia Rose Rathbone, which is amazing, right?

GRIFF: [LOOKS CONFUSED] So you’re not Joe, Jo-Jo or Corey?

COREY: Of course I’m Corey! It’s just that I don’t want anyone feeling bad about their name so I let everyone call me Corey. Even you, Grippy, even though I don’t know you and I’m not sure I want to.

GRIFF: Okay – thanks. I think. So Corey is short for Cordelia. And what’s Joe short for?

COREY: Dunno. I guess he just never grew. Joking. Joe is short for Joe. He was born second. My mum yelled out ‘no’ when he popped out and my dad thought she said ‘Joe’. End of story. Like I said, I’m the amazing one.

CUT TO STUDIO

CHESTER: Very important ad break coming up, Griff. Grateful if you could wrap this snooze-fest up pronto.

CUT TO STREET

GRIFF: Sure, Chester. Pronto coming up. So, Corey, let me summarise this unstable situation for our viewers. You’re not Joe and you’re not an ordinary kid living in an ordinary suburb. Anything to add?

COREY: Yes! This is no way to start a book.

GRIFF: Very interesting, Well, this is the not-so-famous writer, Griffy Treehouse, signing off.

CUT TO STUDIO

CHESTER: And that was the never-to-be-famous writer, Griffy Treehouse, bombing big-time in Brisbane. After the break, we’ll look at water. Is it getting wetter?

CUT TO AD

CHESTER: Geez, what a mess. Still there, Treehouse?

GRIFF: Still here, Chester.

CHESTER: Well, don’t be. And don’t call us either – we’ll call you. Like, never. Especially if you stay there in… in that place.

GRIFF: In The Gap, Chester?

CHESTER: Yeah, that one.

GRIFF: [NODDING] Okay, Chester.

CUT STUDIO

COREY: Nice – not! You can stop nodding now. Do you get to keep that stupid-looking microphone?

GRIFF: I do, Corey – you’re still Corey? It fits in my pocket when I let out the air.

COREY: Totally amazing. Is this the end of your book as well your reporting job?

GRIFF: Probably. I’m a not-so-famous writer and my name’s not Griffy Treehouse. I’m not even a reporter.

COREY: No kidding, Rita Skeeter. [LOOKS THOUGHTFUL] The book could work though.

GRIFF: You think so? I thought so. I mean, there’s a gap in books about The Gap. And people love ordinary stuff because it’s so relatable.

COREY: There’s a gap in books about me, which is worse. It’d work – if I was the main character.

GRIFF: You’re the only character! And you’re not even who I thought you were.

COREY: Lucky for you, Griffy Boyman. I told you: Joe’s a Joe-oke.

GRIFF: I hear what you did there.

COREY: It’ll work better on the page. But, like I said, you’ll have to do the book right.

GRIFF: Not break it, you mean.

COREY: Yeah. Like I said, it’d have to be about someone who’s not ordinary. Someone who is me. And you’d have to start it with some action.

GRIFF: Bit late for that! All I’ve got so far is a lot of confusing dialogue written like a script for no reason.

COREY: Oh, don’t stress about the rubbish you’ve already written – they’ll cut it out. They’ll start with the action.

GRIFF: What action?

COREY: Can’t tell you now – I just got a message. [LOOKS DOWN AT PHONE]

GRIFF: Not bad news, I hope.

COREY: Bad news for Joe. But not for our book. Joe’s had a crash!