satire

Signature Moves (Authors and Their Autographs)

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I’ve been writing – my signature not my novel.

Too many writers, I’m told, suffer from autograph-induced RSI, all because they didn’t simplify their signatures before stardom arrived.

Not I.

At the start of the session my head spun and my arm ached; signing my name was like clinging to a roller-coaster. By its end, though – well, more of that in a minute.

Some novelists made the move early on. Hemingway’s autograph morphed into cross-hairs, while Jonathan Franzen flattened his out so he now signs with a stroke.

Here’s food for thought: we’re told to sign on the dotted line but what if one’s signature is a dotted line?

I’ve always wanted to write about a character who forges his own signature. Some kind of murder mystery?

My new autograph looks like an arrow. The only way is up now that I’ve streamlined my signature.


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‘Old Things Are Awesome’ (An Interview with Harmony Higgins)

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Me:    When did you start writing?
She:   When I was seven I wrote reviews of my mother’s meals and stuck them on the fridge.
Me:    How did they rate?
She:   Poorly. Especially the steak tartare.
Me:    I meant your reviews. Why historical fiction?
She:   So much of it is set in the past. Old things are awesome.
Me:    What’s the oldest thing you own?
She:   A brooch worn by Henrietta Stubbs.
Me:    Who’s she?
She:   Don’t know. She sounds ancient though.
Me:    Do you do much research?
She:   Loads. I use it as mulch on the garden.
Me:    What are your hopes and dreams?
She:   To write the perfect novel. Again. I’m joking, of course.
Me:    Of course.
She:   I’d like to become a yoga instructor.
Me:    Good luck with that.
She:   Thanks.

Riding the Waves and The Crestfallen Tailor are published by Penury.


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Blogging Bad: Seven Reasons Why Lists Suck

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It’s something we’ve all heard a hundred times and which we accept without hesitation: readers love lists. From DIY pieces such as ‘Holy trinity: Spiritual perfection in three short steps’ to top-pick posts like ‘Best of the worst: Thirteen unlucky numbers to die for’, lists are hailed universally as the answer to online anonymity.

Simply set out your points on the screen like rungs in a ladder and you’ll soon find yourself climbing the stairway to stardom – so the story goes.

Guess what? It ain’t necessarily so. Lists suck, despite all the hype. Keen on dots and dashes? Don’t be. Morse code went out with the printing press. Hooked on bullets? Their impact can be deadening, so aim a little higher. Headed for headings? Think again: titles are liable to trip readers up.

And that’s just for starters. Here, then, are seven ripping reasons why you should wipe lists from your writing repertoire.

1. Lists are sneaky

Since when is anything in life as simple as one, two, three? Hardly ever, mostly never. And yet lists slyly suggest just this: that every little thing can be reduced to a series of points or pointers. Nobody ever wrote a novel or lost weight simply by following a series of steps, so do yourself a favour and stop treating readers like the idiots they probably are.

2. Lists aren’t sneaky enough

There’s sneaky and then there’s sneaky. Proper dinky-di personal essays, for example, can’t help making life more intelligible, if only because they speak a universal language: the rhetoric of experience rather than mere sensation. Sure, essays reduce reality, too, but they do so in ways that seem to magnify meaning. It’s called art, and it’s artful – unlike most lists.

3. Lists are easy

Do you really want to dash-off a list when you could send yourself half-crazy penning an essay instead? Fact is, no-one ever got writer’s block while writing out a shopping list or scribbling down a list of things to do. Doesn’t that tell you something? Yes, that lists are too damn glib for their own good, otherwise a literary sub-genre would have congealed around them long ago, as it did with the Personal Essay (hallowed be its name).

4. Lists aren’t easy enough

In other ways, though, lists are bloody hard. To number a list you have to be able to count, and writers aren’t renowned for their numerical nous. I mean, some scribblers claim to write 300 words a day, and yet, when the dross is discarded, the total usually amounts to no more than twenty-six. Go figure! To get a list right in Microsoft Word is also a drag, especially if Autocorrect keeps automatically getting things wrong. Grrr.

5. Lists are everywhere

This point is self-evident, surely, given that you’re staring at a list – this list – right now. And even if you’re not, you’re no doubt staring at a list somewhere else online, only you don’t know it. Well, you probably do know it, but what I mean is that you don’t know that I know it. Yikes! What’s Google, anyway, if not one big list.

6. Lists aren’t everywhere enough

So, okay, lists litter the internet. When it comes to the real world, though, they’re nowhere that counts. Ever come across any classic lists? Nope. Ever study lists at school? Nope. Where’s the great tradition of list-writing? Nope – totally missing, I mean. Forget kudos, too, because writing a list ain’t going to win you a literary prize or grant you the grudging respect of any envious authors. All you’ll get from writing a list is, well, a list. Say no more.

7. Six reasons are enough

Studies have shown that six reasons are sufficient. Full stop. Apparently, the human brain is incapable of marshalling more than one or two thoughts at a time – unless they involve food or sex, of course – so why burden and enrage your readers with unnecessary information. Most of them tune out during reason number seven, anyway – hello?

Clearly, lists suck. This one sure does.

 

If you’re itching to read more about writing and blogging, I suggest you look elsewhere. Too lazy to leave my blog? Why not try these thrilling posts: Novelists Write Novels, On Being a Back-to-Front Writer and Hanging on Every Word. Lots of words, some good enough to read.

Frightening to the Power of X: How I Saved Civilisation (Again)

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Sometimes the deadliest things seem the most harmless. Take the whale shark. On the surface, this fat fish resembles a peace-loving kale-nibbling mammal; peer into its blowhole, though, and you’ll catch a gut-churning glimpse of the real thing: a malevolent predator bursting to bite you in two.

Frightening.

Then there are ‘innocent’ messages like the one I whisked away from a desk today. At first glance, this little note speaks of a simple adhesive slip-up and the chance misplacement of a mug. Sad but insignificant. And yet, when fully decoded, it tells of something infinitely more sinister – of a family ravaged by addiction and, egad, of a civilisation whose innards are being eaten out by moral corruption of the vilest kind.

Frightening plus 1.

To make matters worse, this message was left in the open, totally nude, a veritable spark itching to ignite the imaginations of passing public servants, one which would do them – and society – no end of harm.

Frightening to the power of X.

Luckily, I was on hand to whisk it away, and, as usual, I reproduce it here as a warning to the unwise. Now that’s how you take a message!

Corbet 1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shocked and want to know more? Try Mother Knows Best and Off the Couch.

Mother Knows Best: How I Saved Civilisation (Again)

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It’s a new year but has anything changed? Of course not. The fate of civilisation still hangs in the balance, thanks to the pig-headed ham-fistedness of bureaucats and dogs everywhere.

Why, no sooner had I returned to my post at the elbow of power (or thereabouts) than I chanced upon the following scrap of paper, left smouldering on a desk by some incautious ignoramus. Fortunately I was on hand to whisk it away, thereby protecting the privacy – not to mention the welfare – of all concerned.

That’s how you take a message!

Brad 1

Off the Couch: How I Saved Civilisation

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In the ideal office, each and every drone would take messages. As it is, most simply leave them lying around, thus endangering the safety and security of all.

Not me. I safeguard civilisation by collecting, from desktops and drawers, these incendiary scraps of paper, which I publish on the internet as a service to society.

Here, then, is a message I removed from a desk today. Brace yourself…

Krystal 1

Now that’s how you take a message!